Posted below is the "History of the World" although it stops at World War I. It is a paper that is made with excerpts of different student papers (from public schools). It is posted as typed and that is that. Have fun realizing just how bad it is now and then lets talk about how to improve.
"The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guiness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, he went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and wrote in Hydraulics. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. They were a highly sculptured people and invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. In the Olympic games Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.
The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee hee, Brutus". Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor people by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak but later canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.
In the Renaissance Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. Her navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in 1564, supposedly on his birthday. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet were a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Cervantes wrote "Donkey Hote." John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then, his wife died, and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. The Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand."
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. In 1865 Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Sir Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half-German, half-Italian, and half-English. He was very large. Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the annals of human history."
How could it get this bad? I am sorry but at this level there are two areas to blame, parents and teachers. Now we begin the discussion. I look forward to the comments.
